For those of you who’ve never ridden a motorcycle, the thing that keeps you upright is–just like on a bicycle–forward motion. The big difference, of course, is that bicycles don’t weigh hundreds of pounds. My little Honda Rebel weighs just over 300 lbs., which is really pretty light for a motorcycle but doesn’t feel light at all to this small gal. Sometimes I feel like the “Mouse on the Motorcycle” from the old Beverly Cleary children’s books.
When I ride my bike regularly, I get a really good workout for my ab muscles because I need to balance that 300 lbs. whenever I stop at a stop sign or red light or when I’m pushing it out of my garage to get it ready to ride. Sometimes one small change in incline, or an unexpected slippery surface, can cause the bike to overbalance in one direction or another. In those anxious moments, I have a split second to determine if I can muscle it back up to equilibrium or whether I need to admit defeat and try to leap out of the way before it falls on me.
Yesterday on a lovely ride on the back roads of southern Vermont, I came to a stop sign, and a pickup truck pulled up way too closely behind me. I felt pressured to move quickly, and in my haste, I stalled out the bike. I felt my motorcycle start to list to the left, and I had to concentrate all my strength and attention on muscling it back up to stability. I was successful, and I let out a deep “Whew!” I then waved the truck around me so I could take a few more moments to collect myself. As I revved the engine and started for home, I realized that this experience was a good metaphor for how I’ve felt the past few weeks: out of equilibrium. No matter how much I tried to get myself back in balance, I just seemed to careen further into disequilibrium.
When I feel this way it usually means that I’m living part of my life out of sync with my values. It sounds pretty straightforward. Figure out where some action or thought is out of alignment with my values, and then, well…just STOP doing that thing, or saying that thing, or thinking that thing. Simple! Except that sometimes our values collide or at least bump up against each other. Which value to honor in those moments? Different situations obviously call on different values, but it isn’t always easy to sort out which value to turn the spotlight on and which to leave in the shadows.
These past few weeks I’ve struggled with frustration, anger and disillusionment. Someone really disappointed me, and this sent me spinning out of balance. I guess the more honest thing to say is that I let it send me out of whack. It made me so irritated and indignant that it impacted my ability to focus on my work or quiet my mind. There were critical moments when I chose to value the qualities of candor, integrity, and authenticity over the principles of kindness and understanding. I stood squarely in righteousness but lost sight of the fact that part of decency is compassion. And I forgot that belittling statements don’t just harm the subject of the backbiting; they always make me feel smaller.
How did I know that it was time for deeper reflection and course correction? I started to journal about my complicated feelings. I am not a big journaler, so when I reach for my planner in order to spill my thoughts and emotions out, well, I know that I am feeling out of balance.
As many of you know, after being a teacher and before I ran for office, I was trained as a personal coach. One of the tenents of my particular style of coaching is: That which you can’t be with will ride you. What that means is that if there is something that’s irking you about someone else, there is probably some part of that quality that’s highlighting your own shortcomings. That which you can’t be with will ride you.
I journaled about my insecurities, my shortcomings, and my own flaws. I then shared this information with a few trusted friends and advisers. They witnessed and acknowledged my feelings and thoughts. I then asked them to make a promise to me that they’d reflect back to me—gently but firmly—when I’m straying from my values. Essentially, I asked them to bring me back to equilibrium.
This pandemic is contributing to most of us feeling out of balance. Now is a good time to identify what are the few components of your disequilibrium that you can actually can control. Then identify a prompt, a signal, that will indicate to you that you’re not in line with your values. It doesn’t have to be a 300 lbs. motorcycle.
Thank you Dear Becca for your honesty, intelligence and breath of knowledge, passion for helping others, and true self. You are a breath of fresh air in a troubled world. Vermont is so very lucky to have you as a remarkable leader in our Senate.